Depression

Hi everyone, I know a lot of you do not know me at all, I am Polargames, feel free to call me polar. I am still very new to this website but so far I think I have made some great progress. Any who, I have depression, I normaly do not talk about it very much because I feel very self-conscious about it and I also do not like its stigma at all. The reason I have brought it up because I have not had this for very long, and I was wanting to ask if its normal for a person that has it to feel like a black hole is inside you sucking all of the fun,joy,and happiness from the inside out. I have this feeling most everyday, So is this normal. I am also on meds for it as well, but sometimes I feel if I am just takeing candy because it does not feel like the meds are working. I am pouring all of this out because I feel really at home at this site, the people that I have meet are very cool and nice, Also I just want to get a better understanding of dealing with it. Please do not think I am trying to get sympathy form any one, I want to assure you all that I am not, I am just trying to understand this disorder more. Thank you for takeing the time to read my post and I hope you have a good day.

I also experience depression and anxiety believe me it can be pretty debilitating, which was one reason I got back into gaming (although I do not feel motivated to play the new games I currently have). for me, it comes and goes like a storm, but the best thing to do is discuss with anyone you trust or is dealing with the same situation. believe me, when I know I am not alone with these issues or learn that others who have experienced similar, if not worse problems (which I never expected to be the case) then I feel more relieved because I never expected them to have these challenges like me. my advice is to not let it consume you because depression can have a very strong gravitational pull. keeping yourself occupied with activities can help, but if it is too much then talk to someone about it. I hope this advice can help.

wizzrobemaster wrote:I also experience depression and anxiety believe me it can be pretty debilitating, which was one reason I got back into gaming (although I do not feel motivated to play the new games I currently have).  for me, it comes and goes like a storm, but the best thing to do is discuss with anyone you trust or is dealing with the same situation. believe me, when I know I am not alone with these issues or learn that others who have experienced similar, if not worse problems (which I never expected to be the case) then I feel more relieved because I never expected them to have these challenges like me.  my advice is to not let it consume you because depression can have a very strong gravitational pull. keeping yourself occupied with activities can help, but if it is too much then talk to someone about it.  I hope this advice can help.  

Thank you very much wizzrobemaster this means a lot to me. So the black whole feeling from I have read from your post a normal thing for depression. I also have anxiety as well as PTSD. From what my Doc has told me they feed off one another, but it does feel good when you talk to someone that also has it. I to use videogames as a out let as well and had felt that I do not have the drive as well, I fight that a lot because when I play a video game it feels like it heals my head. I know that it might sound strange, but it is ture. At lease for me. Does it work the same way for you as well?

well when I am motivated. one reason I got into hacking was because I have played some games to death that I wanted to change them or even make them better. I feel it keeps me occupied, but some games have gotten me extremely frustrated such as in triforce heroes, skyward sword, smash4, and hyrule warriors. I feel like that when playing strategy games some random thoughts pop into my head that I cannot let go. when I have trouble, I speak to someone about it. that back feeling you describe does feel like a gravitational pull and I said that the more you think about it, the harder it is to move away from it. on the other hand sometimes it could be stress for me and I move to a different task or get into a conversation, it diverts my thinking. I have aspergers, which is what makes it very difficult for me to connect and it also contributes to my obsessive behavior. it is also the reason I have trouble learning advanced hacking because it is very overwhelming for me. puzzledude (especially) and conn to an extent (although a lot more patient) have found my comments to be a great burden. what I like when playing video games does include the atmosphere even if the game play is bad. I also like the music. while I find skyward sword to be a trainwreck in terms of its control scheme and a low tier Zelda game, it does excel in terms of its aesthetic nature and sound track. I also like having video game related dreams where I have even renacted them by editing music files on audacity by adding sound clips from other games. it almost sounds like the audio was ripped from a walkthrough recording.

I understand dude, I thank you again on the advice you have given, It has helped me a lot. I like music as well, beside video game music, what music do you like?

I like video game music. preferably from jrpg's. SS btw probably has the most underrated sound track in the series.

wizzrobemaster wrote:I like video game music. preferably from jrpg's. SS btw probably has the most underrated sound track in the series.  

Cool, I am more of an action/aventure type person. I never got into jrpg because rpgs are hard for me to figure out. But I do have some favorites like Gauntlet, LOZ: Majora's Mask, thats my favorite Zelda game and would the old school Resendent Evil be considered a RPG. If so then that as well. For sound track wise at least for me its Kirby's Adventure for the NES that I feel is underrated at least to me it is.

I liked KA's sound track as well. Nightmare in dreamland did add the fountain of dreams theme however. Majora's Mask was the second Zelda game I owned. my brother had Z3.

wizzrobemaster wrote:I liked KA's sound track as well. Nightmare in dreamland did add the fountain of dreams theme however.  Majora's Mask was the second Zelda game I owned. my brother had Z3.

Sweet, I love the fountain of dreams theme, its my favorite :-D. Majora's mask is my first game I own. I was thinking about Majora's Mask yestersday after my anixty meltdown, I really wish that it did not happen, and not on this fourm. I reminded me how when Link puts on one mask he becomes different, well that kinda what I have to deal with everyday. I honstly hate that and I really wish that I could take my anixty and depression masks off and destroy them along with my other dissablity. See I have a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) from a long time ago, and in a nut shell makes things at times harder then what they are, also I have trouble understanding sarcasm which is not a geat thing to have. I wounder sometimes why am I here at all.

What I really like about Majora's Mask are its side quests and that for a low budget Zelda game, it was still very innovative for its time. I loved rolling around as a Goron or swimming as a Zora in the N64 version. May I ask what caused the TBI?

wizzrobemaster wrote:What I really like about Majora's Mask are its side quests and that for a low budget Zelda game, it was still very innovative for its time.  I loved rolling around as a Goron or swimming as a Zora in the N64 version.  May I ask what caused the TBI?

Sure, How I got my TBI was due to the fact I was in the hospital for lung failure, I was put into a coma by the request of the Docs so that my lungs would heal. While in said coma there was a lack of oxygen to my brain at some point that the docs somewhat knew of, I guess it was one of the side afects of being in a coma that cause the part of my brain to be so damage to the point that it is in the catagory of TBI. I do not know what part of my brain is damage because the docs never to me where.

That must be a really scary experience. when did it happen?

wizzrobemaster wrote:That must be a really scary experience.  when did it happen?

A long time ago! That is when it had happened. I honstly do not remenber to much of it, Its kinda fuzzy, but I can recall the Docs faces and the needle that was in my arm and boom it all went dark. Then I woke up and saw a nurse ask her where was I, and she sat down on a chair and told me what happened. I would be lieing to you if I told you I was not scared by this, I was really scared.

those experiences sure are frightening. I remember having oral surgery 10 years ago and everything blacked out. surgery can always be scary because of complications.

wizzrobemaster wrote:those experiences sure are frightening. I remember having oral surgery 10 years ago and everything blacked out.  surgery can always be scary because of complications.  

Yes it can be, I think the scary put is at least for me, being put under. You do not know what is going on. That is what really freaks me out the most.

I don't know if I can offer any help, but if there is anyone who knows depression, it's me.

I'm bipolar and it's basically robbed me from having any semblance of a normal, productive life. Forget a wife and kids or a career. I do well not to kill myself from one hour to the next. I suffocate under the weight of my own existence. Then, something random will occur and I'm giddy and full of life, excitement and creativity. Couldn't be more alive. Life is torture and I can't kill myself because my brother died when I was a teenager and I'll never forget the effect that had on my parents. I can't do that to them despite wishing every day that I was dead. When they're gone, there won't be anything left to stop me.

I take meds and they work well enough. If they worked any better they would be running the show. I like their effect to be more of a suggestion than an anvil though. I take an anti-psychotic (mood-stabilizer) and an anti-depressant. I've tried many different meds and I don't want to try anything else because there's nothing slower and more painful than the process of trying out new medications for your mental illness(es). You could waste weeks or months of your life to this shit and still maybe not find the drug or combo of drugs that works for you for years. You just have to accept this or die. There's no way around it if your problems are severe enough. You can't think your way out of being mentally ill any more than you can being diabetic or cancer-ridden. That's not how biology/chemistry/physiology or whatever works.

As far as stigma goes, I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks with regard to this as long as I know that I am trying my best not to destroy myself and everything around me. I don't judge people for being bald, stupid or having an ugly nose so I'd appreciate if they returned the favor.

You know what else is great? I've got gender dysphoria. As if my life wasn't complicated enough.

Anyway, if all you've got is depression, feel lucky and if you are a religious person (which I am not) then you should thank God for not giving you more trials and tribulations to test your faith. He's letting you off easy. LOL

SunGodPortal wrote:I don't know if I can offer any help, but if there is anyone who knows depression, it's me.

I'm bipolar and it's basically robbed me from having any semblance of a normal, productive life. Forget a wife and kids or a career. I do well not to kill myself from one hour to the next. I suffocate under the weight of my own existence. Then, something random will occur and I'm giddy and full of life, excitement and creativity. Couldn't be more alive. Life is torture and I can't kill myself because my brother died when I was a teenager and I'll never forget the effect that had on my parents. I can't do that to them despite wishing every day that I was dead. When they're gone, there won't be anything left to stop me.

I take meds and they work well enough. If they worked any better they would be running the show. I like their effect to be more of a suggestion than an anvil though. I take an anti-psychotic (mood-stabilizer) and an anti-depressant. I've tried many different meds and I don't want to try anything else because there's nothing slower and more painful than the process of trying out new medications for your mental illness(es). You could waste weeks or months of your life to this shit and still maybe not find the drug or combo of drugs that works for you for years. You just have to accept this or die. There's no way around it if your problems are severe enough. You can't think your way out of being mentally ill any more than you can being diabetic or cancer-ridden. That's not how biology/chemistry/physiology or whatever works.

As far as stigma goes, I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks with regard to this as long as I know that I am trying my best not to destroy myself and everything around me. I don't judge people for being bald, stupid or having an ugly nose so I'd appreciate if they returned the favor.

You know what else is great? I've got gender dysphoria. As if my life wasn't complicated enough.

Anyway, if all you've got is depression, feel lucky and if you are a religious person (which I am not) then you should thank God for not giving you more trials and tribulations to test your faith. He's letting you off easy. LOL

Thank you very much SunGodPortal for your advice. For me I am still new to depression and the meds that come with it. I am happy that I am not the only one that can have a out of the blue giddy and full of life, excitement and creativity monent. I honstly thought it was a just me thing. I am very sorry to hear about your brother though, that sucks. I had times like you that I had thought about that and really wanted to do it. I think it was about 4 weeks in my meds when I felt a crash. I was down and I tried my best to make myself happy but not a thing worked. To top it all off I heard voices in my head and that was scary because I could not tell if it was my depression or a side affect form said meds. I still fight voices in my head daily though. If you do not mine me asking is voices in your head a normal thing with depression. Do you deal with that. If you do not want to answer that I understand, I just ask because I had found it at least for me hard to tell what is me myself, from my illness. I really do not like the meds I am on because I have to take them 2 times a day and it makes me feel like a zombie. I had told my doc this, but he said that for anti depressents meds, they all have this affect. So its a win or lose area. For gender dysphoria are there meds for that at all? I had heard about the condition, but never really knew if there are meds. I have friends that are gay,BI,and lesbian, but feeling like a girl or boy when your naturaly the opposite that's a challenage.

When you mean voices in the head like they are thoughts or as if you can actually hear them? I used to use a sound device to calm me down when sleeping but one time I had the sensation of a beeping sound that was driving me crazy where I thought it was real so I had to turn it off. I remember one time I thought the team rocket song was being played and the TV was on only to realize it was just in my head.

anyway I am not sure if hearing voices is common for depression.

*skip to the second section if you just want some advice*

Thank you very much SunGodPortal for your advice.

No problem. I consider my life an open book, for better or worse. LOL

To top it all off I heard voices in my head and that was scary because I could not tell if it was my depression or a side affect form said meds.

Unless you're schizophrenic (again, nothing to be ashamed of), I'm willing to bet that's somehow caused by the meds. Everyone is different and so are drugs so there's a lot of variables there. Right now I take Prozac (Fluoxetine) because my "base level" (how I feel on average) is, I believe below normal. My former therapist agreed. Pessimism, lack of motivation, etc. Sometimes the Prozac makes me a little sleepy, but I suspect that is sometimes determined by when I take it and whether or not I've had a decent breakfast. The only other anti-depressant I remember taking was Paxil and that stuff just made me feel goofy, like a little kid or something.

I take Seroquel (tranquilizer/anti-psychotic) before I go to bed because it practically knocks me out. I don't mind though because whether or not I will be able to get a good nights rest is never a question. I sleep like a baby. It helps cut down on mood-swings and pretty much wiped out the rampant anxiety I used to live with. I never realized anxiety was such a problem until I didn't have it anymore. I did have that sleepy feeling for the first week or so when I first started it but that went away once my body acclimated to the new chemistry.

The first anti-psychotic I tried was Risperidal (Risperidone?) and that stuff did absolutely nothing for me but cause side-effects. Always felt sleepy. It was a miserable couple of months but it was either give it a chance or give up.

For gender dysphoria are there meds for that at all? I had heard about the condition, but never really knew if there are meds. I have friends that are gay,BI,and lesbian, but feeling like a girl or boy when your naturaly the opposite that's a challenage.

No. No meds for that (apart from hormone therapy if you decide to transition to the opposite gender). I guess you just have to learn to either act on it or repress it. Because of the environment I grew up in (small rural town) I always tried to keep myself in check, trying to never let too much of those tendencies out at a time so people didn't ridicule me (we are talking about the late 1980's through the 90's here). I did that for most of my life until I met someone else who had the same issues (in this case, an anatomical female who identifies as a male). That sort of opened the flood gates and gave me the courage to be whatever I was supposed to be. Since then I've been slowly letting it manifest into my daily life. I'll never be a "real" female and I refuse to undergo gender reassignment surgery (what's the point?) or hormone therapy (taking estrogen, which would basically render me sterile and make it almost impossible to get an erection, which would just be more depressing) so I decided I was going to find some sort of happy medium and exist in that space. Had I reached this catharsis earlier in life I may have transitioned more fully into a female "role" or whatever, but at this point I'm used to being a "false" male. I can only undo so much of the damage from that.

-----------------------------------------------------------

If I were going to give some direct advice, I would say this: If you do recreational drugs (like myself), you need to sober up for a few months so that you can identify your base level and symptoms more accurately. Make note of the symptoms you observe and research different causes that you may suspect. I personally did this before ever seeing a therapist and showed up with a bunch of notes (because I easily forget details during appointments) and some idea of what might be the root cause. I made sure not to say "I think I'm bipolar" (despite being almost positive after so much research) because I wanted them to become familiar with my symptoms and make their own judgment and then compare it with mine. Know yourself.

If it turns out that you do need meds on a permanent basis (like me since bipolar disorder is never "cured", only managed) be sure to give each one time to build up in your system and time for your body to adjust. Try not to be discouraged from this process if the first few meds aren't what you and your body needs. If you DO need meds, there is NO way around this. Talking yourself out of it only leads to back-sliding.

One last thing: remember that your moods aren't technically real. They're just different chemicals that are released into your body/brain that color your perspective. As someone with bipolar disorder, I had to get used to the idea that I couldn't always trust the way I "feel". My emotions tend to be exaggerated so I had to train myself to keep these things in perspective. I made a fool of myself enough times to know what is an appropriate response and what is not.

Well, that's all for now. Hope this helps.

SunGodPortal wrote:*skip to the second section if you just want some advice*

Thank you very much SunGodPortal for your advice.

No problem. I consider my life an open book, for better or worse. LOL

To top it all off I heard voices in my head and that was scary because I could not tell if it was my depression or a side affect form said meds.

Unless you're schizophrenic (again, nothing to be ashamed of), I'm willing to bet that's somehow caused by the meds. Everyone is different and so are drugs so there's a lot of variables there. Right now I take Prozac (Fluoxetine) because my "base level" (how I feel on average) is, I believe below normal. My former therapist agreed. Pessimism, lack of motivation, etc. Sometimes the Prozac makes me a little sleepy, but I suspect that is sometimes determined by when I take it and whether or not I've had a decent breakfast. The only other anti-depressant I remember taking was Paxil and that stuff just made me feel goofy, like a little kid or something.

I take Seroquel (tranquilizer/anti-psychotic) before I go to bed because it practically knocks me out. I don't mind though because whether or not I will be able to get a good nights rest is never a question. I sleep like a baby. It helps cut down on mood-swings and pretty much wiped out the rampant anxiety I used to live with. I never realized anxiety was such a problem until I didn't have it anymore. I did have that sleepy feeling for the first week or so when I first started it but that went away once my body acclimated to the new chemistry.

The first anti-psychotic I tried was Risperidal (Risperidone?) and that stuff did absolutely nothing for me but cause side-effects. Always felt sleepy. It was a miserable couple of months but it was either give it a chance or give up.

For gender dysphoria are there meds for that at all? I had heard about the condition, but never really knew if there are meds. I have friends that are gay,BI,and lesbian, but feeling like a girl or boy when your naturaly the opposite that's a challenage.

No. No meds for that (apart from hormone therapy if you decide to transition to the opposite gender). I guess you just have to learn to either act on it or repress it. Because of the environment I grew up in (small rural town) I always tried to keep myself in check, trying to never let too much of those tendencies out at a time so people didn't ridicule me (we are talking about the late 1980's through the 90's here). I did that for most of my life until I met someone else who had the same issues (in this case, an anatomical female who identifies as a male). That sort of opened the flood gates and gave me the courage to be whatever I was supposed to be. Since then I've been slowly letting it manifest into my daily life. I'll never be a "real" female and I refuse to undergo gender reassignment surgery (what's the point?) or hormone therapy (taking estrogen, which would basically render me sterile and make it almost impossible to get an erection, which would just be more depressing) so I decided I was going to find some sort of happy medium and exist in that space. Had I reached this catharsis earlier in life I may have transitioned more fully into a female "role" or whatever, but at this point I'm used to being a "false" male. I can only undo so much of the damage from that.

-----------------------------------------------------------

If I were going to give some direct advice, I would say this: If you do recreational drugs (like myself), you need to sober up for a few months so that you can identify your base level and symptoms more accurately. Make note of the symptoms you observe and research different causes that you may suspect. I personally did this before ever seeing a therapist and showed up with a bunch of notes (because I easily forget details during appointments) and some idea of what might be the root cause. I made sure not to say "I think I'm bipolar" (despite being almost positive after so much research) because I wanted them to become familiar with my symptoms and make their own judgment and then compare it with mine. Know yourself.

If it turns out that you do need meds on a permanent basis (like me since bipolar disorder is never "cured", only managed) be sure to give each one time to build up in your system and time for your body to adjust. Try not to be discouraged from this process if the first few meds aren't what you and your body needs. If you DO need meds, there is NO way around this. Talking yourself out of it only leads to back-sliding.

One last thing: remember that your moods aren't technically real. They're just different chemicals that are released into your body/brain that color your perspective. As someone with bipolar disorder, I had to get used to the idea that I couldn't always trust the way I "feel". My emotions tend to be exaggerated so I had to train myself to keep these things in perspective. I made a fool of myself enough times to know what is an appropriate response and what is not.

Well, that's all for now. Hope this helps.

Thank you so much again, this has brought a lot of new qustens for when I go and see my doc. I am on Zoloft (sertraline) and you were right on the meds part. Its a side affect, the Zoloft for me is my base for now, but with me being new to all of this it can change. I do not do any recreational drugs at all and before I was dianosed with depression my clean level was feeling dead inside and out, also I was feeling like I could never be happy again. My doc feels strongly that I may have chronic depression, but wants to meet with me before he said I have it, because depression is very tricky and he does not want to make a mistake in this area. I am on the zoloft on a permanent basis because what I had told him, He straight out told me for certion I have it, He just does not know where I fall in that area. I will do my best with this and if I could ask, If I have any more qustens may I message you? Thanks again :-)

wizzrobemaster wrote:When you mean voices in the head like they are thoughts or as if you can actually hear them? I used to use a sound device to calm me down when sleeping but one time I had the sensation of a beeping sound that was driving me crazy where I thought it was real so I had to turn it off.  I remember one time I thought the team rocket song was being played and the TV was on only to realize it was just in my head.

anyway I am not sure if hearing voices is common for depression.

They are more thoughts then actual voices, I had found out its one of the side affects of the meds I am on. I will bring this up to my doc when my appoimt comes. Thats a great question that you have brought up. I will for sure ask him this. Thank you very much :-)